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Toasters from HQ Published in the Opelika-Auburn News 2001-07-31
American conservatism is blessed to have such an astute political observer as that great male defender of Southern womanhood, Mike Fellows.
Mr. Fellows has single-handedly exposed the secret program of a dark, nefarious cabal working to undermine family values and recruit college women into the sinful, destructive lifestyle of extreme lesbian militancy. That Gay Agenda, beginning from small autonomous cells, has now infiltrated the Liberal Media, the Political Establishment, and, through the Southern Girls Convention, has finally reached into the ivory tower of Higher Education.
Look out. We're coming for your children, and we recruit
The best explanation for our success is the incentive program. We receive a
free toaster from headquarters each time we convert another of your innocent
daughters. And that's not all. Each new recruit also receives a nifty little
device known as a Gaydar
, allowing us to locate other members of the
conspiracy.
The heterosexual recruiters have been losing out because so far they have
been focusing on the negative, sticking to crude tactics like behavioral
therapy
, intimidation, beatings, and demanding censorship of student
groups.
Mike Fellows is on to us, but it's too late. The latest memo from headquarters tells us that we're now almost considered fully human citizens by most of the population.
Today, Southern Girls Convention at Auburn University. Tomorrow, the world!